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V. Jay-Jay Singh(s) Like a Canary

ANN McMAN.  I’m here this morning with bestselling spec fiction author, V. Jay-Jay Singh. V. Jay-Jay is the author of the four, hugely successful Gyno Galaxy books, published by Electra Imprints. V. Jay-Jay, thanks for taking the time to talk with me this morning.

V. JAY-JAY SINGH. You’re welcome, Anne. It’s good to be here.

ANN.  There’s no “e” on my name.

V. JAY-JAY. Really?

ANN. Really.

V. JAY-JAY. We’re doing this interview via Skype. How did you know I put an “e” on it?

ANN. I’m an omniscient narrator.

V. JAY-JAY. Right. I forgot.

ANN. So, V. Jay-Jay—tell us about your part in the sensational new novella “Bottle Rocket,” and how you came to have such a unique starring role in it.

V. JAY-JAY. Starring? You’d call my role starring? I show up on barely more than a dozen pages.

ANN. Well….

V. JAY-JAY. My agent told me that if I signed on for this gig, I’d be guaranteed at least equal billing with that Ho, Kate Winston. Ha! Kiss those aspirations goodbye.

ANN. Kate Winston isn’t a Ho….

V. JAY-JAY. I don’t even know why I haven’t fired that agency…my celebrated “world book tour” ended up being a six-day drive across Texas in August—in a ‘78 Caprice with vinyl seats and no air conditioning.

ANN. V. Jay-Jay….

V. JAY-JAY. Have you ever BEEN to Texas in August?

ANN. Well. No. Not in August.

V. JAY-JAY. Trust me. They should’ve just put that place on the damn sun. And avoid those three-bean burritos in San Antonio…just sayin’.

ANN. Well. We aren’t here to talk about Texas.

V. JAY-JAY.  No. We’re here to talk about how I got screwed in “Bottle Rocket.”

ANN. You didn’t get “screwed.”

V. JAY-JAY. Precisely! That’s ANOTHER way I took it up the Hershey Highway.

ANN. What are you talking about?

V. JAY-JAY. I was supposed to get sex scenes…several of them, according to Section XII, Paragraph 6, Line iii of this contract.

ANN. Sex scenes? Nobody got sex scenes.

V. JAY-JAY. Yeah. Why is that, Anne? I mean…your readers have been really patient with you, and STILL you never put out. Do you have some kind of problem? Or are you just writing in the wrong genre?

ANN. I don’t have a problem with sex scenes….

V. JAY-JAY. Save it, Patty Hearst! I’m not buying any of your flimsy excuses today. If you had honored the fine print in my contract, your book would now be roaring up the bestseller charts instead of plodding along behind Chilton’s Repair Your Chevy Vega manual.

ANN. What are you talking about?

V. JAY-JAY. Hello? Nothing props up sales like some artfully placed snatches of hot, heaving hoo-ha action.

ANN. Hoo-ha action?

V. JAY-JAY. I have four words for you, McMan. Fifty. Shades. Of. Gray. Ring any bells?

ANN. Let’s try another approach. Talk to me about your unique…skill—and how that factored into the stunning dénouement of the story.

V. JAY-JAY. What the hell is a dénouement? You know my contract stipulates that I don’t have to get into any of the really kinky French stuff.

ANN. V. Jay-Jay….

V. JAY-JAY. That’s why you had Quinn as a plot device.

ANN. V. Jay-Jay….

V. JAY-JAY. And while we’re on the subject—she’s a famous BDSM author, and you didn’t make very good use of her skills either. Although she did get to carry Barbara Walters out of that riot….

ANN. Okay. Okay. Forget about plot devices. Tell me about how you learned how to use your Kegel muscles to…well…you know.

V. JAY-JAY. You’re kidding me with this, right?

ANN. Excuse me? 

V. JAY-JAY. You think I knew how to do that before it cropped-up in your twisted little mind? What kind of crack are you smoking? I had to have metal implants after that damn book was finished. And, P.S.? You’ll soon be getting a hefty bill from Morgan, Simon, and Siegelman, LLP. I suggest you pay it.

ANN. So, I see that we are nearly out of time.

V. JAY-JAY.  Easy for you to say. You aren’t the one with recycled .50 caliber shell casings lining your bizkit.

ANN. Well. Nothing screams “my vagina used to tear through Soviet-era armored vehicles” quite like that.

V. JAY-JAY. Dasvidaniya, baby.

ANN. Before you go, would you like to tell us about your next appearance?

V. JAY-JAY. You mean would I like to engage in a bit of shameless self-promotion for your next literary endeavor?

ANN. Well….

V. JAY-JAY. Yeah. Okay. So I’m rumored to have a MUCH larger part in Backcast, the sequel to “Bottle Rocket.” But let me just clarify one thing: I do not touch fish. Especially bass. Especially large mouth bass. Ever. Nada. Nyet. No way. Not happening.

ANN. But we talked about this. It’s a book about how the CLIT-Con 13 reunites to enter a tournament-level bass fishing competition.

V. JAY-JAY. Sounds like a personal problem to me, cowgirl.

ANN. Okay, then. Well. Thanks so much, V. Jay-Jay, for your time today.

V. JAY-JAY. Not so fast. You don’t get rid of me until I get to plug my OWN next book, Gyno Galaxy V: Black Holes. It’s coming soon to solar systems everywhere.

ANN. Black Holes?

V. JAY-JAY. That’s right. It’s the point of no return, baby.

ANN. Okaaaayyyy. Thanks, V. Jay-Jay.

V. JAY-JAY. See you in Vermont, McMan. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and hit my hoo-ha with some Brasso…based on my read of the Backcast synopsis, it’s going to be getting a real workout.

Join us next time, when Ann talks with award-winning mystery novelist, Vivien K. O’Reilly.

 For more on V. Jay-Jay Singh and “Bottle Rocket,” click here.

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    • Fish on August 29, 2014 at 11:26 am
    • Reply

    Ann with no doubt you continuously crack me up. I thought I was the only one that used the term “hoo ha”.

    • Bev Prescott on July 7, 2012 at 7:26 am
    • Reply

    Very Funny. Can’t wait for the rest.

    1. Me, too! I just hope they’re a tad easier on me… Vivien K. O’Reilly is up next. I’d better wear my lead-lined brassiere.

    • Traci on July 1, 2012 at 3:08 pm
    • Reply

    Alls I seem to know how to say right now is WOW!!!!

    1. Wait’ll they all get together on a bass boat, Traci!

  1. oh THIS is going to be good….

    1. I’d aspire to “transcendent” — but that’s a word that’s sacred to bacon….

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